The Walls are Coming Down.

Have you ever built up so many walls that no one can get inside to what you are feeling or want to say? Are you ever afraid of letting people in and getting hurt? Do you ever feel like you are messing things up because of your walls? Do you ever feel like you are so complicated to understand that you can't even understand yourself?
I know exactly how you feel. God has been working a lot in me the past few months. I feel like I have so many walls that not even a army can knock them down. Yet slowly one by one they are coming down. I have been learning to trust God and let Him have all of me. He is teaching me that not everyone in this world is going to let me down or hurt me. I am aloud to be open to those He is allowing me to trust. I have to let Him give me the wisdom as to whether or not I can trust that person. These walls are just fears that have been built up over the years that have never been dealt with. Well they are so ready to be dealt with.
I have pushed so many people away and hurt others just because I was afraid of getting hurt. How selfish is that?!?!?!? I have missed oppourtunities to be a witness,friend and mentor to people.
God has so much planned for each one of us and we are so focused on what He has planned for the future that we do not pay attention to what He is doing around us in the "now". I am done with asking Him to reveal His plan. I want to be able to live in the "now" and build and pour into the relationships that I have with people now. I want to seek Gods heart fully and know Him better and have my motive be pure. God is completely interested in our relationship with Him and He has so much that He wants us to share with Him. These walls are gonna come down and I am done with being complicated! I am ready to embrace the unknown and let God have complete control. He is the only one to completely satisfy so why don't I and anyone else let Him?

New Beginnings!

Wow what a year that has passed! Being a couple weeks into the new year I have already learned so much! God has really been working, not only on me but the people around me, which I have been honored with the opportunity to be a part of. I do believe the biggest thing I learned is to not be so closed off to people and what is going on in other peoples lives. I tend to pass by and not really see that something inside of them is truly stirring. I may notice but instead of praying or just simply asking "Is everything okay?" I keep on going.
Going into another semester I know God has something HUGE planned and I cannot wait to see what is in store! One of the things that God has really pressed on my heart though is the passage Philippians 1:9-11 which says, "And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment,so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ,filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ,to the glory and praise of God". In little ways He has brought it to my attention, either it be in my devotion or from a friend just simply quoting it or asking me to read it, even going to my old youth groups website. I have truly made that a prayer for everyday!
So here I go into another semester and another year but more importantly to another chance to live each day completely and fully for God!

Redemption

I am in the middle of my second week of classes here at BCF and all is going well. Yesterday, was,for some reason, a day of just me being a mess. Ever since I was told that I wasn't going to be able to go to Grace College I have been totally confused at what path God has for me. My spiritual life has been a rollar coaster and I know that it should not be that way. I felt like the devil had some sort of hold on me,instead of letting God control me I was letting him. I completely lost control of my emotions and wasn't myself for most of the day. I snapped at dear friends and I knew that was the last straw. I barely talked for the rest of the day. I hate sharing my feelings unless it is something positive to share and I just wasn't in the mood to share at all. But God is Great and mighty because today I felt like the grip that satan had on my was lifted. In chapel one of the songs we sang was "In Christ Alone". I never truly read the words to the fullest till today and I literally teared up through the whole song. "....NO power of hell,NO scheme of man can ever pluck me from His hand...."I have never felt so relieved and at peace in my life. God has truly blessed me and used me even when I didn't want to be. He deserves more honor and praise than I give Him and from here ontg out I pray that He gets it. The desire that I am feeling to know Him more is more real than it has ever been in my life.
College life isn't going to be a blur it is going to be a day by day journey with the Lord as He leads me to where He needs me to be. I know that it is not going to be easy, but I also know that it will be a harder journey that I wouldn't get through if I didn't have Him. He has brought me through so much and I can't wait to see what He wants to do with me. I am totally honored too be used by Him! Redemption is a beautiful thing and I believe that is what happened today! I thank God that He is there to save me and redeeem me even when I don't even come close to deserveing it.

Something Ive Learned

This past week was a weekend of relaxation, fun, most of all a learning experience for myself.
On our way to Panama City we were listening to music and one of the songs that stuck in my head even till this point was "Here I Go Again" by Casting Crowns. i know the lyrics to this song but never really read them. I couldn't figure out why God kept this song playing again and again in my head and yesterday it finally hit me.

The lyrics that were stuck in my head were:
Maybe this time i'll speak the words of life,
with your fire in my eyes,
but that old familliar fear is tearing at my words,
What am i so afraid of?
Cause Here I go again,
Talkin bout the rain
mullin over things that won't live past today,
and as I dance around the truth,
time is not his friend,
this might be my last chance to tell em that you love him,
but here I go again.

This whole past weekend God brought my attention to how I don't take teh time and share. I walk around like I have no passion for Him, that He is just another friend in my life. In sunday school we learned about Jesus' ministry on earth and how He was aggressive and went out to save souls because He cared. My lifestyle was exactly like this song.
Maybe i'll share today and speak with passion, but no I can't because i'm to afraid. Wait why am I so afraid? Well lets talk about this and that which doesn't really matter. Well time is running out and this might be my last chance but i'm still to scared.

I don't want this lifestlye. I don't desire this lifestyle. I desire that passion that excited feeling that I get to share! Here I go again with another day and another chance to show His love and be agressive to share with someone!

I need to be kept accountable when I know that I have a chance but I don't take it! I ahve strength to share because Jesus is that strength! Here I go!!!

Taking it All in

Our student ministry at our church just got back from a week long camp. I love going to Crossroads because you not only get close with your fellow piers but you get to see the part of your life you are holding back from God, and you get a chance to change it!

This year one of the speakers (Clayton) was talking about having complete peace and no matter what he was going through he knew God was there.I have been longing for that feeling of complete peace! God put that desire into my heart and I knew there was something that was blocking it. I have a tendency to control my life, okay I do control my life. I am a very structured person and whenever something is wrong I have to fix it other wise my day will end up being completely chaotic. (Well inside that is).
After Clayton finished speaking Carl Cartee got up there and started worship. I never truly read the words with meaning, but that night each song, each word, had a beautiful meaning. The one phrase that stuck out to me the whole night was " Take my life and let it be all for you and for your Glory, take my life and let it be yours". Right then I knew that I needed to let God have complete and total control over my life. Instead of taking the driver seat, I need to take the passenger seat.
I noticed when I controled my own life it brought me no where. Honestly it lead me down a path to rock bottom. Whenever God lead me to do something I would do it half heartedly or even be bitter and only let God work through me a little bit. I am excited to see how much God can truly use me and I am ready to do it whole heartedly and by completely surrendering my life to Him!
"Here I am Lord! Send me!"

Day 15 of a month long blog!

Today is another "whatever tickles my fancy" day. Well its early and I am tired so this may seem to be a jumbled blog. I just have to say, getting a good nights rest is very vital for a healthy lifestlye, but being able to get up early because you are about to go and have a amazing week, seems to be more vital to me right now. Well I am not gonna type much so I can finish with what I need to do before I leave, but this day is the start of a week that I know I will never forget!

Day 14 of a month long blog!

A fictional book.....hmmm this is a good question. I think I am going to talk about the book that I am reading for college right now, which is " This Voice in my Heart" by Gilbert Tuhabonye.
Gilbert Tuhabonye is becoming one of my favorite people as I read his story on what he went through and how he got where he is now! I don't want to give anything away, but he is a track star who graduated from Abilene Christian University. He grew up in the tribe of Tutsi and his journey while he was there is life changing. He got through everything "by the Grace of God" as Gilbert says.
I can't even explain it all in this blog. I will just say go and read it and I know your life will be put into a perspective that you wouldn't even imagine!